Hump Day Humor Wednesday October 22nd 2008: Football Is Rough Edition
I am still having trouble dealing with the Dallas Cowboys loss to the Rams last weekend, and so here are some football insult jokes, and just some plain old "clean" football jokes. We shall start with the insult jokes and work into the "clean" ones:
Simply insert your most-hated NFL team into the content of each football joke where indicated!
1. A Voice in the Darkness
The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The (insert team) are Super Bowl contenders."
Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"
2. It's a Wonder
Why do (insert team) players keep their Wonderlic results on their dash boards?
So they can park in the handicap spaces.
3. Kissin' Cousins
What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen (insert team) fans in one room?
A full set of teeth!
4. Grounded
Why did the (insert team) players miss their flight for the big game?
They were stuck on a broken escalator!
5. Hit and Run
If you see a (insert team) fan on a bike, why should you not swerve to hit him?
It could be your bike
6. A Day at the Beach
What do you get if you see a (insert team) fan buried up to his neck in sand?
More sand!
7. No Way Out
You're trapped in a room with an angry grizzly bear, a hungry Lion, and a fan of(insert team). You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the (insert team) fan… twice.
8. On the Bright Side
What do you call a (insert team) fan with half a brain?
Gifted!
9. Playing Possum
Why are the (insert team) like a possum?
Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
10. Licking the Problem
What did the average (insert team) player get on his Wonderlic test?
Drool!
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Not to the "clean" ones yet:
A footbal coach was asked his secret of evaluating his new recruits. "Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs.. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen."
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Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. -- George Will.
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After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7" He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
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Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night
A: Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
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What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?
A quarter-ton pickup.
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A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game . Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.'What do you mean?' he asked.
'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
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A Dallas Cowboys (enter your favorite team)fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Roger Staubach (enter your favorite player) days, but now my wife is dead."The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.
"Oh no." the guy said. "They're all at the funeral."
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During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did" said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too" said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
"Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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At a large college there was a football player that was extremely stupid. He sat beside a boy in class that was really smart and the teacher knew that he was cheating, but he just couldn't catch him.
One day she was grading a test and she noticed that the smart boy had written "I don't know the answer" on number 10.
So she looked at the jock's paper and smiled. He had finally given himself away. His answer looked like this:
10. me neither
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OJ Simpson is being held by police for his alleged involvement in a hotel room armed robbery to take back his memorabilia. Can you believe he's had enough time to write a new book?
It's titled "If I Did This 2"!
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Did you hear about Michael Vick's new shoe endorsement deal?
He now endorses "Hush Puppies"!
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The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league.
So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string!
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After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
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We better have some clean jokes before there are any more jokes, picking on my Cowboys!!
Q: Why is the Oakland football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
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Q: What do Billy Graham and the Buffalo football team have in common?
A: They can both make a stadium of 50,000 people say "Oh, Jesus."
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Q: What's the difference between the Green Bay Packers and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
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Q: What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
A: Four guys watching a football game.
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The Definition of an optimist: A Buffalo Bills fan waiting at Buffalo Niagara International Airport for the Bills to return from winning the Super Bowl.
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The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It's a little different though; you wear it and the other guy scores.
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Q: Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
A: Because he's lost all three of his bowls.
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After spending all day watching football, Jimmy fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up. "Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to 7" He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?
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Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore?
Because he can't find the receiver.
Have A Happy Hump Day (afternoon & evening) and if you have any good, bad, or ugly football jokes, please leave them in comments, or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com, and we shall put them in the next football edition!! ;) Go Cowboys!!!!!!
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