28 posts tagged “political and social commentary”
April Fools' Day or All Fools' Day, although not a holiday in its own right, is a notable day celebrated in many countries on April 1. The day is marked by the commission of hoaxes and other practical jokes of varying sophistication on friends, family members, enemies, and neighbours, or sending them on fool's errand, the aim of which is to embarrass the gullible. Traditionally, in some countries, the jokes only last until noon: like UK, Australia, New Zealand, Canada and South Africa, someone who plays a trick after noon is called an "April Fool".[1] Elsewhere, such as in Ireland, France, and the USA, the jokes last all day.
I have not been posting as I have been worried about not having a job and am spending every waking moment trying to raise enough money to buy this business before he has to shut it down. In addition to that I have been applying and interviewing all over in case it doesn't work out!!
We just received our new Signed Limited Edition Shonn Green Prints, which turned out extremely well, and sales should pick up with this new item.
It is so nice out, that the Coral Ridge Mall has been pretty slow this week, so it is actually an excellent time to stop by and do some shopping, if you are in the area.
Have A Happy St. Patrick's Day and please follow the link to Yahoo News, to learn about the Real St. Patrick!!
:)
200th Birthday Of America's Greatest President
My birthday wishes to Abraham Lincoln on his 200th birthday, :
"Today, Thursday , February 12th, is the 200th birthday of the Greatest President in American history, and I just want to say Rest In Peace Mr. President,
what?...sorry someone just looked over my shoulder and "didn't" know who the Greatest President in American history was.
Actaully, no one did "this" year, but I like that line, so I put it in whenever I write or talk about Abraham Lincoln:)
Wow, I was surprised, as Obviously it was Abraham Lincoln. There follows two links to show anyone who cares how great he was!
The first is to the "Lincoln Institute Presents Abraham Lincoln's Classroom" which has days and days of material for a Lincoln fair weather friend or a true fanatic.
The second link is to a website that has a great deal of information about the Lincoln Museum in Springfield, Illinois, and their preparations for his 200th birthday next year!!
Happy 200th Birthday, Mr. President!!
Your Number 1 fan!!
Daniel
How is your Friday the 13th going?
I can see that Friday the 13th is already going bad, as the House has just passed the Stimulus Bill to kill America, and snow is flying, so I guess we are in for a scary evening ;)
Here is the story at Yahoo News:
If you fear Friday the 13th, then batten down the hatches. This week's unlucky day is the first of three this year.
The next Friday the 13th comes in March, followed by Nov. 13. Such a triple whammy comes around only every 11 years, said Thomas Fernsler, a math specialist at the University of Delaware who has studied the number 13 for more than 20 years.
By the numbers
Here are 13 more facts about the infamous day, courtesy of Fernsler and some of our own research:
Take Care!!
Well, Hell, they just passed the economic stimulus bill in the Senate, and the economy is already recovering~~I mean it will turn around shortly, once the House and Senate agree on which frisbee golf courses, and atv parks, can stay in the bill, and which are just "pork".
I will make no qualms about it, I am opposed to this additional waste of our great-great-great granchildrens money, just as I opposed the original bank bailout bill, which has been wasted and accomplished nothing.
I do want to congratulate President Obama for his win in November, but the approach he is taking with the economy is right of Comrades Pelosi and Reids communist playbook, and will doom his Presidency, and our country. If he really wanted to stimulate the economy by throwing billions of borrowed dollars at it, it would have been quicker, and more efficient to let the workers of America receive it as a direct $7340 to each of the 109 million people who are employed right now.
I mean, this is simple simon stuff, and while Rushie, and Seanie and the other blithering goats on the right are attacking this bill, because they are going to attack everything Obama tries to do, I am attacking it, because I hope he succeeds in making America a better place, but I do not think this is a good way to accomplish that goal.
Anyway, here are links to the House and Senate bills, if you have the stamina to read through this entire piece of crappy legislation.
I shall write more about this in the future, but a friend of mine, who has retained his Republican identity, and has called me a traitor for having voted for Obama, "just to shake things up", asked me to remind everyone that George W. Bush, kept us safe from terrorists for 7 years. Oh, this friend also says if we just kick all of the muslims out of the country, we will stay safe:)
Yes, I do have a very interesting, and diverse group of friends;)
It is part of the fun of knowing most of my friends from the Coral Ridge Mall, which has an exotic mix of people working there.
Oh by the way, this is an excellent opportunity for you all to travel to the Coral Ridge Mall, Coralville, Iowa, and spend some money, which would help "our" economy. There are sales nearly everywhere, and people who will appreciate your presence, and try and make your shopping experience incredible. It is slower during the week, so that would be a prime time, and of course Saturdays are huge, with last weeks crowd, equalling the numbers during the holidays. I invite you to stop by the art kiosk and say hi, anytime you are here.
On a lighter note former Vice-President Dick Cheney, "accidently" shot his next door neighbor, while clearing brush with his shotgun. I did not check the accuracy of this report, because that would have required effort, so take it as fact or not, it really doesn't matter to me, as I just thought it was amusing.
Have a Great Tuesday, and be sure to take everything I write as fact, as it will be a lot easier for me to succeed in this whole change of character to try and grow my ranks of minions:)
As my "friends" at Fox News, say but don't practice, "We Are Fair, Balanced, and Unafraid", whatever--anyway besides, "take care", that will be my other catch phrase, so make sure you practice saying it out loud, so you can chant it with me at my future "rallies"!!
Now I just need to work on getting a radio talk show, and I can blather on as well, and get me some of those "ditto heads"!!
Oh this is going to be sweet fun!!
Take Care!!
Daniel
Just a very quick post to let you know that I survived black friday and the whole weekend, and I would like to thank everyone who came to the Coral Ridge Mall and spent your time and money. I will comment at a later date about the abysmal way that people acted at the mall on Long Island, where the 34 year old man was trampled. Hopefully, everyone who trampled him will do prison time. Enough said for now!! Anyway, back to our Coral Ridge Mall, I believe nearly everyone acted appropriately, even though I am sure you can tell me of individuals who were idiots. I found most people amusing and upbeat even though there was such a mass of people, even the employees had a good time. We were exhausted by Monday, but all in all it was a GREAT way to start the Christmas shopping season. The Coral Ridge Mall did an awesome job of arranging the longer hours more toward the end of the month, when it really does help. We are working hard to beat our competitors at Jordan Creek, as we are a much better place to shop :) Personal bias I realize, but we are easier to get to and much happier to have you shop here. Again this year, the Mall has it set up on the weekends that vehicles coming to the Mall from the South side, come in turn right, and then leaving the mall you continue in the same direction to get out. I personally wish this was year round, but this year it does seem like there are less people unfamiliar with the Mall, who drive toward you in your lane after dark. Anyway a big hand to everyone from management, office, maintenance, and janitorial, for making the monster weekend a pleasant experience, and I hope shoppers came away with the same feeling. Thank You!! Now I am getting some things done, and have to be up by early tuesday (day off), as I am doing a nice thing for my boss. I am going to take a one way trip to Des Moines on the 5:40 a.m. Greyhound to pick up his Suburban full of prints, which he allows me to drive the whole month, so I can have backup prints. This saves him driving it over and having to have someone follow him to give him a ride back to Des Moines. This will save him time and money, and only eat part of my one day off. Got to build up those Karma points whenever possible!! So thanks for shopping and keeping it local, and please come see us again ALL month!! If you have any good stories from this weekend please leave them in comments or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com and I shall do a post on them!! Take Care and Goodnight!! Daniel Carvel Kepler
Well, it is an interesting Monday morning as we wake up to hear that high government officials and bankers from Citigroup worked through the evening to "steal", I mean receive a bailout of billions more of our taxpayer dollars. Isn't it nice to see such diligent servants toiling through a weekend night?! Personally, I wish they would have taken the day off and not given anymore of our money away to legalized criminal enterprises like Citigroup. If anyone else did what they did, we would call it extortion, but because they are a bank which is "to big to fail", we give them money until it hurts "US".
What a crock of something smelly this bailout nonsense has become, and daily the line of "bailoutees" grows and grows, and so does the anger out here in "real" America. We have had it with giveaways, and want our elected leaders to do as we say, and not as the "monied" interests want them too. Remember we have elections to send you people to Washington to do our bidding, and giving all of our money away was not what we had in mind. If you are going to do the same thing we did before, then what is the point of even holding elections. We could hire permanent civil servants to give our money away if that is what we want our country to do, instead of wasting all of the time, energy, and money to elect "new" leaders who are going to do the same old thing.
WASHINGTON~~~Wake up now before you drown us in your bailout madness. The markets cannot stabilize when you keep propping up bad companies, instead of allowing them to fail, and letting other better run companies to take their place. Simple common sense should be the mainstay of our government, not this fairy tale that they are trying to sell us, that they know what is best for the country. Just look at how inefficient the government is run, and then tell me that we want the whole economy to be run that way. Nonsense, Nonsense, and more Nonsense!!
Here is a story at Yahoo News concerning President elect Obama's economic recovery plan, and after reading it you may well be asking yourselves where his catch phrase of "Change and Yes We Can", come in, when it is just more Bushie economics. Perhaps it will just be transitionary, but please know that you are not doing what you were elected to do, if you follow Bush policies which have already failed. You promised a fresh approach and that is what we expect~~thank you very much!!
Anyway here is the lead into the story at Yahoo:
With the economy in crisis, President-elect Barack Obama called on the new Congress to act quickly in passing a costly stimulus package to create jobs as a follow-up to the hundreds of billions of dollars the Bush administration has committed to rescue financial markets.
"The economy is likely to get worse before it gets better," Obama said in a downbeat forecast, delivered 57 days before he takes the oath of office and with Americans heading into the year-end holiday season.
"Most experts now believe that we could lose millions of jobs next year," he said, urging the newly elected Congress to act quickly on his plans after opening its session on Jan. 6.
At a news conference, Obama was critical of the Big Three automakers, saying he was surprised they did not have a better-thought-out plan for their future before asking Congress to approve $25 billion in emergency loans.
It has been a busy week as we prepare everything for "black friday" and the onslaught of customers. I have arranged all of the art prints so they will be easier to flip through, and for me to access any multiples that I might have for very popular prints. Don't let the economy scare you, sales are already ramping up this week, and it looks like it will be a sprint to Christmas.
Anyway, this is the first moment I have had to get anything posted for a few days, and I read this interesting story concerning Einstein's e=mc2 equation being verified after 103 years, and thought this was a good way to start Friday!!
The Yahoo News story begins: It's taken more than a century, but Einstein's celebrated formula e=mc2 has finally been corroborated, thanks to a heroic computational effort by French, German and Hungarian physicists. A brainpower consortium led by Laurent Lellouch of France's Centre for Theoretical Physics, using some of the world's mightiest supercomputers, have set down the calculations for estimating the mass of protons and neutrons, the particles at the nucleus of atoms.
According to the conventional model of particle physics, protons and neutrons comprise smaller particles known as quarks, which in turn are bound by gluons. The odd thing is this: the mass of gluons is zero and the mass of quarks is only five percent. Where, therefore, is the missing 95 percent? The answer, according to the study published in the US journal Science on Thursday, comes from the energy from the movements and interactions of quarks and gluons. In other words, energy and mass are equivalent, as Einstein proposed in his Special Theory of Relativity in 1905. The e=mc2 formula shows that mass can be converted into energy, and energy can be converted into mass.
It has been a few days since last posting as thankfully we have been very busy at the Coral Ridge Mall. People took advantage of the cold weather to come out and shop heavily Friday, Saturday, and to a lesser extent Sunday, but all in all it was a very good weekend!! Thank you to the patriotic shoppers who made the effort to pull the retail sales out of the doldrums:)
I see there have been many bad stories out there, from the wildfires in California, to the taking of another ship by Somali pirates, but I found this "cool" story at Yahoo News this morning, and beings I am a huge fan of Abraham Lincoln wanted this to be the first post of the week!!
A Texas museum hopes a document found in its archives turns out to be an authentic government copy of Abraham Lincoln's eloquent letter consoling a mother thought to have lost five sons in the Civil War. The famed Bixby Letter, which the Dallas Historical Society is getting appraised as it prays for a potential windfall, has a fascinating history. The original has never been found. Historians debate whether Lincoln wrote it. Its recipient, Lydia Bixby, was no fan of the president. And not all her sons died in the war.
The letter, written with "the best of intentions" 144 years ago next week, is "considered one of the finest pieces of American presidential prose," said Alan Olson, curator for the Dallas group. "It's still a great piece of writing, regardless of the truth in the back story." Historians say Lincoln wrote the letter at the request of a Massachusetts official, who passed along news of a Boston woman grieving the loss of her five sons. The letter is addressed to "Mrs. Bixby, Boston, Mass." and begins with an acknowledgment that nothing written could possibly make a grief-stricken mother feel better about such a horrific loss.
"I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming," Lincoln wrote. After thanking Bixby on behalf of a grateful nation, Lincoln wrote that he would pray that God relieve her anguish and leave her with only the "cherished memory of the loved" along with "the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom." The letter, as was the president's custom in his personal correspondence, is signed "A Lincoln."
Happy day after Hump Day, a week after the election edition. In that week, we have had Wall Street show utter confidence in the new situation by tanking nearly everyday, and continuing to whine for more bailout money. They continue to waste our money on resorts, and vacations, as AIG executives did right after receiving $125 billion more dollars from Uncle Sucker!!
This behavior was anticipated by those of us, who opposed helping anyone out, and now that Uncle Sucker is open for business, everyone is asking for a handout. After GM and Chrysler, it will be Ford, then the airlines, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah, and we will continue working 63 hours a week, with no relief, nor end in sight, as the debt rises well above $10 trillion!!
I am too angry at the media for gleefully reporting the bad news everyday, and ignoring any positive signs that could turn this "recession" mentality around. Even local news is jumping on the band wagon with stories plastered on the front page about GGP, which owns Coral Ridge Mall, as well as many others throughout the country, and are in a financial "pinch" since the credit markets have dried up.
Well, let's also show that this is one of the strong malls, and that if credit turns around quickly, they should do just fine. Please, let's have the positive spin, and make sure to tell consumers to get out and do your Christmas shopping early. Perhaps you will even cut back a little, but if you have a job, and are reasonably sound, don't let the doom and gloomers, keep you out of the stores!! Come on out and see our cheerful, smiling faces, and spread the wealth in your own personal way!! Thank You!! :)
Now let us show a little American spirit and have a good day with some jokes, that may even be humorous ;)
A man was driving down a country road when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and lifted the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!" Then she just turned and walked away.
Amazed, the man walked over to the farmhouse where he met a farmer.
"I say, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yes, that's old Mary."
The man said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like the cylinder head gasket to me!"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Mary, she doesn't know anything about cars!"
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A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.
She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!"
The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "I'm on the wrong bus!"
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Rules For Buying Gifts For Men:
Rule 1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule 2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. No one knows why.
Rule 3: If you are really short of money, buy him anything for his car. A 50 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule 4: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to Boy Scouts or some other such organisation. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" nylon rope. No one knows why.
Rule 5: A new TV remote control to replace the one he has lost. If you have a lot of money buy him the latest all-singing, all-dancing widescreen TV. Watch the smile on his face as he flicks, and flicks, and flicks.
Rule 6: Label makers are nearly as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Men really enjoy using these. No one knows why.
Rule 7: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. He will be too preoccupied to speak to you for hours and he will always have parts left over.
Rule 8: Men enjoy danger. That's why they love to barbecue. Get him a big gas barbecue. Tell him the gas line leaks. Such excitement! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule 9: Tickets to a football match are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "Creative Flower Arranging for Beginners." Everyone knows why.
Rule 10: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule 6 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule 11: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminium extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why!
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A very drunk man turns up at his house at 6 o'clock in the morning with his hair and clothes dishevelled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, "I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!"
"Yes," replied the man, "I'd like some breakfast!"
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A minister was delivering a sermon on sin. "Is there anyone here who is without SIN?" he shouted, glowering at the congregation.
Embarrassed parishioners stirred nervously in their seats, but no one stood.
Feeling he really had them this time, the preacher said, "Is there anyone here who thinks he or she is PERFECT?"
One small man, seated next to a rather imposing woman, rose nervously to his feet.
"So, Mr Jones, you think YOU are PERFECT?"
"No, sir", the man replied, "I'm just standing for my wife's first husband!"
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Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time. So, my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. He could then sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the bells.
My uncle's favourite was Brewster Rooster. A very fine specimen he was,but his bell had not rung all morning, so Uncle John went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, with bells ringing. Well, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair, and he was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the "No Bell Prize", but also the "Pullet Surprise!"
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How To Annoy A Policeman (If Your dare And If You Are Stupid!!)
1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol!"
2. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to 70.
3. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the bonnet.
4. Trip and fall into him.
5. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
6. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
7. Try to sell him your car.
8. Ask if you can buy his car.
9. Tell him you like men in uniform.
10. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party
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Mary offered to care for the eight-year-old daughter of neighbours who were going away for the weekend. On the Saturday morning, she made breakfast, laying a generous helping of bacon and eggs in front of the child. "Mummy always serves hot pancakes for breakfast," said the eight-year-old.
So Mary, very eager to oblige, hurried into the kitchen and quickly prepared a plate of hot pancakes, which she laid in front of the girl. "No, thank you," she said.
"But I thought you said your mother always has hot pancakes for breakfast!" said Mary in surprise.
"She does," said the child. "But I don't eat them!"
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Technical Support: "I need you to right-click on the desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Technical Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Technical Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Technical Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Yes, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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A nervous postman on his first round walked up to a garden fence. There was a large Doberman lying on the grass. An old man was sitting on the patio.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the postman asked.
The old man replied, "No, he never has done."
So the opened the gate and went into the garden. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the old man dragged the dog off, the postman yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man replied, "He's not my dog!
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A primary school teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Now imagine this," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and calling for help. His wife hears the noise, and knowing he can't swim, runs down to the bank. Why do you think she runs to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Was it to draw out all his savings?"
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A student was flying home to London from Edinburgh.
At the check-in, he said to the operator, "Now I want you to send my black case to London and my blue case to Amsterdam."
The check-in operator replied, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that!"
"Oh really," said the student, "that's what you did the last time I flew with you!"
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The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.'
Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?
Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?'
'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me!
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A young blonde lady had the windows in her house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later, she got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and she had yet to make the first payment.
The blonde replied, "Now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!"
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Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm really glad I don't have that problem, touch wood." She didn't just touch it - she rapped her knuckles enthusiastically on the table and then said, "There's someone at the door, I'll get it!"
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"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, he said I was hostile.
"If I was early, I had an anxiety complex.
"If I was on time, I was a compulsive neurotic
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Here Are Some LeftOver Quips About The Recent Election On LateNight Television:
"Just one week left to go in this election. It's amazing, isn't it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?" --Jay Leno
"And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses." --Jay Leno
"Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller." --Conan O'Brien
"John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities." --Jay Leno
"But they say that McCain insiders are calling Sarah Palin an out-of-touch diva. They say Palin has a quick temper and ignores her staff. It’s like I have a twin. --David Letterman
"The other day, a guy who played a game of basketball against Barack Obama said that Obama spent the whole game trash talking. He also said Obama’s trash talking is 'eloquent, high-minded, and inspirational.'" --Conan O'Brien
"With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000." --Jay Leno
"But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush." --David Letterman
"Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." --Stephen Colbert
"The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed." --Jay Leno
"By the way, if you want to get Hillary a gift, you can't go wrong with a gift certificate from Bed, Bath and Bitterness." --David Letterman
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Frankenstein was sitting in his cell when suddenly through the wall came the ghost of his monster, with a rope round his neck.
Frankenstein said, "Monster, monster, what are you doing here?"
The monster said, "Well, boss, they hanged me this morning so now I've come to meet my maker."
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Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?
Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?
Joe: No!
Mike: Neither will Bob
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Carpe Diem -- Seize the Day
Carpet Diem -- Seize the carpet
Carpayment Diem -- Seize the checkbook
Carpe Duh -- Seize an idiot
Carp Diem -- Fish of the day
Crampy Diem -- Seize the Midol
Carpe Diet -- Seize the rice cake
Carpal Diem -- Seize the knuckles
Carpe Dig'Em -- Seize the chips 'n dip
Carpe Carp -- Seize the fish
Carp Diem -- complain daily
Carpe Per Diem -- seize the check
Carpe Canem -- seize the dog
Carpe Devo -- seize the record
Carpe Calypso -- seize the DAY-O
Sharpei Diem -- sieze the wrinkled dog
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Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon ..."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ... over me ... 30 minutes ago!"
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The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
))))))))))
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar. "What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"Okay, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
))))))))())))
Thank You.....Thank you very much...and have a great night!! If you have any jokes to add, please leave them in the comments or send them to me at danielcarvelkepler@yahoo.com. Now I need to check my Fantasy Football Team line-ups before tonight's game ;)
Good Luck To Us ALL!!!:)
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